I don’t know how to do this

Life has thrown me some big huge curve balls lately and I can honestly say I don’t think I’m handling it very well. That being said, I’m not exactly sure how one is supposed to handle the amount of stress and tragedy I’ve been subjected to in the last few weeks so maybe I’m handling it just exactly right. I have no idea, but I DO know that this part just sucks!

My brother asked me the other day how I was doing. I answered him truthfully. In that very minute I really was ok. A couple of minutes later I was crying.

I miss my mom. A couple of days ago I posted that on Facebook. I hadn’t had much sleep the night before and I was super emotional. I ended up crying pretty much all evening. We had a video slideshow that we played at her service and I ended up watching that a couple of times. That just made it worse! I think it’ll be awhile before I can watch it again.

Last week a former co-worker was killed in a motorcycle accident. When I found out about it I had another anxiety attack. It just so happened that I was standing in a local pizza place at the time. Yeah, that was fun. The service for that amazing young woman was yesterday. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it but I think I did ok. I was able to breathe my way through an anxiety attack so that’s something anyway. My heart breaks for her twin sister. I know how hard this journey has been for me since losing my mom 25 days ago and I can only imagine that what she’s going through right now is even harder. Please pray for the family as they figure out this new life without their loved one.

I find myself being so afraid that something is going to happen to another person I love that I feel like I’m becoming an emotional wreck. I’m needy in ways I never have been in my entire life. I want to gather everyone I love close and not let them leave my side so I can make sure they’re safe. I know that isn’t reasonable so I keep it to myself most of the time but it’s always there. Is that normal? Again, I have no idea. Maybe it is… maybe everyone who’s been through this feels the same way.

I just know that pretty much every day is a challenge and I just want things to be ok. Mostly I want ME to be ok.

And I don’t know how to do that.

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6 comments on “I don’t know how to do this

  1. You know nobody can say nothing to make you fill better but it’s a hard thing to go thru my heart is breaking for you.My mom has been gone for 13 years you just learn to live with it you still have that hole in you heart but you just keep on going because you know you will see her again love ya hang in there

  2. My heart hurts for you. I am not going to even try and make you feel better because nothing I say will do that but I will tell you that I love you and I’m here if you ever need to talk, cry, vent or just laugh!

  3. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s hard and it’s horrible, and it hardly seems fair. My dad passed away in January. He had heart issues, it wasn’t wholly unexpected. In my head I had run through the scenarios. But nothing prepares you for the actual event. Sending big hugs your way. They tell me it gets a bit easier.

    • Thanks for your kind words. It’s been almost 2 months now and some days are better then others. Some days it’s still hard to breathe because I miss her so much. But I know she’s watching over me and cheering me on and that helps a little.

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