Reflection

I haven’t posted anything for a few days because I’ve been leading up to this one.

On this day 27 years ago, my life irrevocably changed. I was a child and I watched my dad die.

That’s not something any child should ever have to experience. Death of a parent is hard any time it happens, whether it is natural causes, accidental or illness. Going to bed, falling asleep thinking about tomorrow but getting woke up in the middle of the night because there’s something really bad happening… sucks. When you’re a child, you think your parents are going to live forever. When something happens and you lose one of them, it changes everything you ever thought you knew about life.

I wonder how different things would have been for all of us if he had lived. There are 15 of his grandkids and great-grandkids that he never got to know. Home much would my life be different if he hadn’t died that night? Would I have made the choice to start a relationship with an older man simply because I was lacking that love in my life? I have to believe that I would still have ended up there because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my children who mean everything to me. Would he be disappointed in some of the major life decisions I’ve made or would he be proud of the woman I’ve become? Would he look at my oldest daughter and see how much like him she is? Would he see the similarities between my youngest daughter and myself?

Things would be very different in my brother’s life. The reason he met his wife is because my mom belonged to a support group and met a man. We had a BBQ and met his 2 daughters. One of them ended up becoming my sister-in-law. If my brother had not met her, he would not have the 2 children he does.

My mom would not have met and married the man who became my step-dad. He is a good man and he loves my mom. Both he and my mom are aging and have some of the health problems that come with that. How much different would our lives be if he had not come into her life?

Would I have gone on to have the singing career I dreamed about? My dad is the one who gave me my love of music and the joy of singing. I remember every time we got in the car for long drives my dad and I would sing. My mom wold just listen because she couldn’t carry a tune but my dad just had an amazing voice that I loved to sing with. He taught me lots of songs, including the one that got me 1st place in a talent show! Would he have encouraged me and pushed me in a ways that no one else did?

This morning one of my daughters friends gave birth to a baby girl. As I mourn the loss of what could have been, I rejoice in the new life that begins today.

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